The Key to a Happy Marriage

After dinner several nights ago a conversation started over marriage. The conversation arouse due to an article in the Daily Nation, a Kenyan newspaper. The article reported that Fr. Muli (a Catholic Priest) “sparked a rare debate during Sunday Mass when he raised the sensitive issue of marriage between two Kenyan men in London recently.” The article goes on to say that the “Fr. Muli said men were resorting to marry one another probably because the women had failed to provide what they should in marriage….the priest challenged them (women) further that they had to be more Godly and ‘more womanly’ to attract men for marriage.” WOW! The absurdity of this article is multidimensional and misrepresents the teachings of the Catholic Church. Although it is not as shocking for me, as it is for those of you reading this, because these last few weeks have been filled with discoveries that life here is vastly different.

There are several different customs and practices among the many tribes in Kenya. Karungu is in Luo Land (the Luo tribe lives mostly along Lake Victoria). Polygamy is culturally acceptable. I met an 18 year old named Frank last week whose father has 6 wives and he was one of 50 children. If the husband and wife separate, the children usually remain with the husband’s family. If your husband dies you marry your husband’s brother or cousin not only because the dowry is paid for but also for survival. At the same time, if you are HIV negative and you marry your late husband’s brother you risk the chance of infecting yourself and the children you will have with him. The HIV rate is the highest in the Luo tribe compared to the rest of Kenya.

While the differences are many, Fr. Julius (a Kenyan priest in charge of St. Camillus Dala Kiye- an orphanage for children with HIV) reminded me during our after dinner conversation that some things are universal: the bond between a husband and a wife. He drew two over lapping circles on a piece of paper, labeled one man and one woman, and shaded in the center. He said, “you see, you need to pull toward the common bond. Both the husband and the wife need to compromise to increase the size of this (the shaded center part) which represents the strong bond of union.” He then went on to talk about the upbringing of children and the conjugal rights, and how it is the fruit of marriage and not just the consequence. I just kept nodding my head and thinking to myself, okay Fr. Julius, please stop here, which he did – thank goodness.

He also told me the importance of doing a needs assessment, that both the husband and the wife should express what they need to be happy. He gave the example that if a wife is tired and doesn’t feel like cooking that the couple agrees that they use the microwave to prepare the food, obviously, depending if there is electricity. Just to give a little back ground, cooking is a several hour and labor intensive process. I am not sure this particular example translates exactly but I think the meaning behind it does.

Hopefully, I will be able to put all this great insight to use one day. God willing (a commonly used phrase here).

Here are some final words of inspiration by Fr. Julius which I think can be applied in marriage and in life, “with growth comes involvement, with development comes inspiration, and with expansion comes motivation.”